In a shocking move that automotive experts are calling “unprecedented” and “mechanically confusing,” newly-elected President Donald Trump, in his second term, has just announced a sweeping mandate that could completely reshape American transportation. According to insider sources, Trump has launched an all-out ban on vehicle transmissions, a core component of every car's operation. Instead, he’s calling for a return to the “golden age of the foot-powered car,” as seen in the classic 1960s cartoon The Flintstones.
Under this new decree, all vehicles sold in the United States by 2025 will be trans-free and fully reliant on foot power for propulsion. Additionally, all existing vehicles must undergo mandatory “conversion therapy” at certified local dealerships, where their transmissions will be “retrained” and removed, rendering them safe for this new, trans-free America. “If it’s good enough for Fred Flintstone,” Trump was quoted as saying, “it’s good enough for the American people!”
According to Trump, this move is part of a larger initiative to reclaim “American values” by eliminating unnecessary mechanical parts. “No one should identify as a transmission,” Trump announced solemnly from the steps of a mechanics' conference in Detroit. “If your car wants to go forward or backward, it should do so by sheer American willpower—and muscle!”
Critics have pointed out the absurdity of eliminating transmissions—one of the most fundamental parts of a car—claiming that they’re responsible for coordinating engine power and controlling speed. But Trump’s administration has released a dossier on “transmission infiltration,” a dubious 300-page document claiming that transmissions have secretly been working to reduce Americans’ “independence” and “foot strength” by allowing cars to drive without physical effort.
“Too long, Americans have relied on the power of gears and hydraulics to get from point A to point B,” the document reads. “But think about it: who profits from transmissions? Not hardworking Americans. It’s the shadowy auto parts suppliers, who get a cut every time you change gears.”
Perhaps the most shocking part of this mandate is the “conversion therapy” program, which will require every car in the country to undergo rigorous “de-transing” at designated dealerships. Mechanics nationwide have been instructed to install foot-powered systems where transmissions once lived, effectively turning every sedan, truck, and SUV into a “footmobile.”
“Imagine a world where we don’t just drive to work—we walk while we drive. It’s eco-friendly, patriotic, and honestly, it’s what the Founding Fathers would have wanted,” explained Dr. Xander Wheelwright, the president's new Chief Advisor on Vehicular Morality.
Local dealership conversion sessions will reportedly cost taxpayers nothing, as the administration has promised to foot the bill, allocating billions from the defense budget. “We’re defending Americans from harmful mechanical influences,” declared Wheelwright. “These cars will be as nature intended—fueled by American feet and unburdened by foreign parts.”
Ford, GM, and Tesla have already released statements expressing “concerns” about the practicality of a foot-powered SUV or pickup truck. “We support American values, but powering a semi-truck with foot power alone might be a bit difficult,” admitted a spokesperson for Ford, who wished to remain anonymous. Ford and GM are currently testing prototype “mega pedals” that would allow six passengers to collectively “run” their car down the road, taking turns pedaling as though they were in a human-powered relay.
The Environmental Protection Agency (EPA), however, has celebrated the move as a potential win for emissions reductions. “Zero emissions is zero emissions,” said EPA Director Greta Windsong. “Plus, Americans will get fitter, stronger, and perhaps more grounded—literally.”
However, the EPA’s excitement was short-lived, as Trump swiftly followed up with a shocking announcement that he was shutting down the agency entirely. “Frankly, I don’t see why we need a whole agency just to regulate the air,” Trump declared from the steps of a closed coal plant, adding, “Clean air? That’s what trees are for!” In his view, the EPA's job is now complete with the upcoming foot-powered vehicle mandate, which he claims will permanently eliminate emissions anyway.
While former EPA employees were stunned, Trump assured Americans they could now “be their own environmental regulators.” According to the administration, citizens can now monitor pollution levels with a “good old-fashioned sniff test.” “If it smells bad, don’t breathe it in,” Trump advised. The White House has suggested that Americans use common sense, fresh-cut pine air fresheners, and their feet to keep the country both mobile and eco-friendly.
The movement has already gained a surprising following among enthusiasts, who have taken to the streets on self-designed footmobiles in anticipation of the ban. Hobbyists and automotive purists have flooded social media, posting instructional videos on how to manually de-transmission cars and install foot platforms.
“I’m sick of being pushed around by my own car,” posted one new convert on a Reddit thread dedicated to #TransTruth. “I want to feel my commute in my bones, to know that every mile I traveled was done by me, not some fancy foreign machinery.”
While the policy has divided the country, one thing is clear: if you connect the dots, it’s obvious. America is on the brink of a vehicular renaissance—one fueled not by gasoline or electricity, but by the raw power of American legs. Wake up, people!
