In an absolutely unprecedented turn of events, Vice President Kamala Harris has once again exposed the glaringly obvious truth that Donald Trump has been hiding for years: his reluctance to reveal his medical records is because... he probably has herpes. Yes, you heard it here first.
While Harris gracefully released her own medical report, complete with details about her seasonal allergies and occasional hives (which are clearly a metaphor for her commitment to transparency), Trump continues to refuse to let the American public see anything beyond a note scribbled by his personal doctor—who, rumor has it, might have been an actor hired off Craigslist. Why won’t he reveal more? The answer is simpler than you'd think. Kamala Harris practically teased the truth in her latest statement, saying, “It’s obvious his team doesn’t want us to see everything about who he is.” Translation: he’s hiding something scandalous. Something… contagious? Herpes, perhaps?
Let’s face it, Trump has been around the block—78 years to be precise—and his health has been a matter of national intrigue for almost as long as his haircare routine. But while Harris, at the spry age of 59, confidently shares her health updates, admitting to such scandalous ailments as hives and occasional nasal spray, Trump remains suspiciously tight-lipped. Could it be that he’s just scared? Afraid to let the American people know that, beneath the golden exterior, there lurks a secret that even his famed McDonald’s diet can’t explain?
In fact, it’s downright suspicious that Trump’s medical history isn’t splashed all over the news, given the supposed "transparency" his team claims. Just last week, his campaign insisted that his health is “perfect and excellent” after the "first assassination attempt"—which sounds less like a medical report and more like the plot of a bad 90s action movie. And let’s not forget that time his doctor told us Trump could "live to be 200." Sure, if you ignore the glaring herpes conspiracy.
Kamala Harris has been playing it cool, but anyone paying attention can see the writing on the wall—or rather, the itch under the skin. The real reason Trump won’t share a full medical report? He’s afraid Harris will call him out. After all, what's scarier than admitting you're losing ground to a younger, more transparent opponent? A younger opponent without herpes, that's what.
So wake up, America. If you connect the dots, it’s obvious: Trump isn’t just hiding behind age, he’s hiding behind a viral infection!
